Tuesday, December 26, 2006
random thoughts
-the two of them are perfect for each other. he knows her every wish. he takes care of her. but she is blind to his affections.
-i always thought my family was full of drama. and that nobody could ever experience such drama. and that the worst shit always happens to us. but fate proved me wrong, and i'm not that happy about it, cuz there are meaner people it could happen to
-some people are born with a diamond-studded, gold plated spoon and are miserly as shit. some people are born with just their bare hands and are generous as they are poor.
-not everyone has the fortune of being this young and accomplishing this much. and to sacrifice it all for family. even if they don't appreciate it, I DO. happy birthday darling
-is it all worth it?
- i cant believe they're getting married! im so happy yet so apprehensive. so young they are. but happy for them. remember darl, i am yr wedding planner and u better expect some majoooor planning.yipeeee
-some people have everything they want in life but are just not satisfied and choose to go finding things to be unhappy about. no idea why.
-what is happening to us? is this what is all boils down to? we used to be able to talk about anything and anything. now i feel like i gotta step around and poke and ensure its safe before i start a topic
-stop interferring in our business and then blame me when u get scolded. if u had minded your own shit, u wouldnt be involved anyways. i cant believe its starting alreadi. argh woman, u're pissing me off.
-thanks for everything. realli.
on another note, i think i am doing quite well on this expectations thing. no expectations, no hurt. :)
p.s toothie, whoever u are, i know what u mean. in fact, that is what stirred that post. all i can say is, life's like that. we can't do anything cept maybe, strengthen our hearts :)
p.p.s i wish it'd snow. sigh. all these christmas movies are making me siao.
p.p.p.s merry xmas to all my christian friends! :)
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Expectations
these past 2 months of so have led me to do lots of thinking. as in not thinking about why bus drivers and motorcyclists don't have to wear seat belts *ya why!* and why on earth every Indian seems to know each other. but more serious thinking.
expectations.
all these expectations led to me getting severely dissapointed and upset over the duration of the past 2 months or so. expect this, expect that, expected behaviour, expected words, expected presence, expected act. and when there's a no-show, i get all upset. i think "is it too much to just expect this little? when i've been doing so much without being expected of"
you see, that's my problem. i do things for people without being expected. i make an effort. i call to ask how you're doing, even if im not expected to do it. i msg ppl to tell em i miss them, although its not expected. i ask if anything's e matter, not because they expect me to, but because i feel there's something amiss. i do things for ppl without being asked, because i feel like it.
so? that doesn't give me the right to expect the same behaviour back. just because i'm there for them anytime, doesn't mean i should expect them to be there for me. just because i cry with them and comfort them when they're down, doesn't mean i should expect the same. just because i go the extra mile to ensure that my friends are well-taken care of, doesn't mean that i should expect that back.
expectations.
the root of many problems don't u think? u get pissed with e dear friend because she wasn't there when u needed her. why? cuz u expect her to. u get pissed with yr bf because he won't hear u out when u're whining about buying the wrong sized sweater. why? because u expect him to listen to yr every whine and cry. u get pissed with your family for not knowing you inside out. why? because they're expected to.
so i've decided. i'm going to try not to have expectations. im going to NOT EXPECT. not expect anything. that way, i won't get dissapointed. i won't get pissed. and most importantly, i won't get hurt.
i have had enough of wondering what i did wrong, why am i not getting any reciprocations, why is this happening, what did i do, what did i not do! when it is clear, i did nothing wrong. in fact, maybe i did too much. so nothing seems to be enough for me. so i am not expecting.
this is especially since my bday is coming soon *8 days people* i am not going to expect any presents, i am not going to expect any suprises. i am not going to expect any thing. ***this does NOT mean those who have bought me presents have to throw them away***
no more expecting people to offer their help for birthday planning, no more expecting friends to talk to you abt their problems, no more expecting trust from friends u thought were the closest, no more expecting people to know you well, no more expecting PEOPLE TO BE THERE FOR YOU, no more expecting your friends to notice when you are feeling down, no more expecting them to realise its because of them that you're down, no more expecting things to go my way.
if they want to, they will come forward. if they don't, well i wasn't expecting it anyways.
from now on, i will only expect from myself. not to worry, i will still be the same kala to all my friends, going out of my way etc etc. i just won't expect it back. :)
on another note, the party is nearing a nearing. the list seems to be growing. aaaahhhhhhhhh.
all of yoos who have gotten your invites, pls remember to sms or call me to confirm if u guys are coming or u might just not have a seat to sit yr nice butts on. those who i have spoken to about the party but u haven gotten your invite, pls leave a tag or sms me yar. i still have some ppl's invites with me. those who i haven spoken a sheit about the party and seems like i'm not gonna invite, pls dun get pissed. i didn't mean to leave you out *ok some, i did*..not to worry, there's still many other things to get invited for. :) for those who are thick-skineed to still wanna get invited altho i didn't, leave a tag, bug me, eventually i'll invite ya. harhar.
any hoooo, this is an informal invitation to all you ppl out there, do come by to my party! its on the 31st of dec, at civil service club, ballroom, at 6 45 pm till late. there'll be a countdown as well, so you're welcome to crash my party if u wanna. dress code's retro pls DO NOT FORGET. oh yar, lemme know if u are coming, or yr ass will be seatless as im allocating seats.
:)
byeeeeeee
-the expectationless kala-
< p.s all examples stated in this entry are just fictional. i am not pissed with vik because he didn't listen to me whine about a sweater. firstly, i dun whine. secondly, i don't buy sweaters if they're wrong sized. :P
p.p.s i did not update cuz ofyourtag ah, i had alreadi decided to on my bus ride home. :D
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Monday, December 04, 2006
i just need a fucking break.
i have no idea why i am blogging when i have 80% left of molecular biology to complete. but yes, as my title suggests, i just need to get away.
am so frazzled these days, as if there's nothing that won't piss me off. i dunno if im suffering from late on-set of my period, or just plain nerves that have been nicely maintained for a few years. the last time i remember being so frazzled was during TMT.
the only thing that is keeping me sane is wednesday. the end of exams. the start of my holidaYS. and mainly, the Kuala Lumpur trip with my darlings.
suprisingly, it is not the exams that are making me so edgy. sigh. but i have to admit, the exams are contributing to it. i just want it over. i mean, who doesn't? but i just NEED it to be over so i can focus and stop getting so pissed and irritated at every little thing.
time management. something i am seriously lacking this semester. another thing i am lacking now, the ability to multi-task. i've always prided myself for being able to handle many tasks at once. seems like i had just put my own foot into my mouth. multi-tasking has lost all its appeal for me. i just want to do one thing at a time, and do it right.
i don't like being who i am now.
i don't like snapping at people who are probably doing the best they can.
i don't like realising that.
i don't like being pissed because things are not going the way i like.
i don't like knowing that it's because i don't have time to do it the way i like.
i don't like having to put everything on hold.
i don't like having to explain why i am not doing this or that.
i don't like having to explain why i am doing this or that.
i don't like being rushed.
i don't like having tearful breakdowns.
i don't like having silent wars with my family members.
i don't like being pessimistic.
i don't like venting my anger on my poor unsuspecting friends.
i don't like hating the thought of my party.
i don't like this at all.
the KL trip is a welcome distraction. it is probably the only thing i am looking forward to now. a holiday with my friends, no parents, no "older" people, no reporting. just plain partying, clubbing, shopping, eating, travelling and more for 5 whole days.
i'm sorry miruna, jo and rae, if i ever snapped at you'll while planning for the trip. hope u guys understand. i am just so sick of people telling me what to do, that i took it out on you guys. love u all and looking forward to wed nite! hopefully the train doesn't stink and the bedsheets are clean. harhar.
well i guess that's it. alot of feelings still vent up inside. hopefully it'd all be better after the exams, when i have more time to plan everything out and carry out what i have been postponing these few weeks.
i never knew planning for a party can be this draning. i never knew it could be more draning as the number of people helping increases. all have their specific idea of what should be done. all have their specific idea of what i should do. all have a specific idea of what they want to do. a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth?
i am probably the only girl i know who's party planning is such a great deal. God, my life is do drama. sign me up for "super sweet sixteen"
whatever it is, i will preservere. although i have lost all interest in my party, maybe it can be regained. for now, the thought of relaxation and rejuvenation at KL is all that is stringing me along...
till later.......
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