Thursday, August 03, 2006
rite its before 12 so i betta do this fast! happy 33rd bdae xiaojie!!!!!! hope u had a greattttt dae!!! MUAH!so wad have i been doing? sleepings, eatings, tuitionings, drivings, watchings tv, shoppings. yes i shopped! woohooo been such a long time since i did that. basically i bought a pair of sandals from C&K (mainly cuz my heels were givin me blisters) and a big bag! woohoo finally got a big bag!! it can store my lappie plus have so much more extra stuff inside. its so nice tt even sunitha n vj bought one each. hahaha. this is called peer shopping.
so i finally meet miruna darling after ages!! it was just so good. we (actually just me) had dinner, then we went over to coffebean for coffee and yumsting cheesecake. we just talked and talked and talked. and one of the topics was : "LETTING GO"
when do u say "ive had enuf". when do u say "i want out". when do u say "i need to leave" when?
i mean im not just talking abt BGR or GGR or BBR (wadeva suits u darlings). im also talking abt friends. when do u say that the friendship has died? that its beyond revival. when do u feel that u cant do anymore, that you are just drained from being the only one trying. when does the reciprocation stop? sometimes i feel its no use trying to be friends with certain ppl anymore, when the chemistry has died, the rapport no longer there, and instead of friends, we are just people who meet up for birthdays/anniversaries/passing of thing, with absolutely nothing in common. furthermore, there seems to be a sense of awkardness lyin ard, not knowing wad to say or do. then, there's a matter of one-sidedness, when one person is doin all he/she can to bring back the friendship to life, while e other just keeps away as much as possible. also, wad is the use of a friendship, when you're only "USED" and remembered when there's sth u can do to help the other person, when the only time they every call, is when they need sth from u, and they on e other hand, just shut u out from their lives so that u never know what they're going thru. u cant help, u cant cry or laugh with them, u cant even give them a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold, cuz u dunno if they're upset/happy/angry. the worst thing, is to find things out about them, thru others. others who are not even a fraction close to them, not as close as u were.
i have come to the stage before. i have wanted to let go before. i have let go before. but stms, it is so difficult. especially when there's such a long history lying before u. then u take a step back n think : so what if ure as complete as strangers as u and the guy who sells tissue paper at e MRT station? u HAD a history. u WERE friends. if there was sth that made u'll friends, that sth HAS to be there still rite? unless of course, that thing is no longer there, and was is left over is an empty void. so if u managed to have a decent r'ship before, why not again?
so most of e time, i DONT let go. i keep on hanging. sometimes i even pull. in hope that we'll get back to where we were. and mostly we do. so it mite not be as close as we were before, but we still become friends again. stms, even closer.
and if i HAD let go, i never would have re-found my darlings like Vj, Logais, and many others i am choosing not to name..
now that decision is haunting me again, i am being pushed so much. being pushed over the edge. i really do wanna let go, like ive never before. but im preservering, trying my best to keep calm. YOU are pissing me off majorly, and this close to being let go off. but im just remembering our years of friendship, and all that we've gone thru. and all that we are worth. that and ONLY that, is keeping me from letting go. i still love u. but im not sure if i that is enuf. pls, for all of our sakes, do not shut us out. that is not going to help us. remember, i still love u.
SIIIIGHHHHHH. argh its 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY BDAE PEARLLIE!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOPEEEEE YR EXAM GOES WELL!!!!!!
POOR girl has exam on her bdae. 21st bdae somemore. sigh. oh wells, i laus u!!!
okies im tired. got drivin earlie tmrw..needa pay some bills (this is where my money goes for), then meet miruna! we're going shoppin then movies! weeeeeeeet! okies nite ppl muah
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